Pappa wants mamma naked
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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