I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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