The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
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