We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
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I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
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I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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