So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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