Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
