I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
