i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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