They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
