On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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