i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
