I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
