If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
