oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
