True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
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