I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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