so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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