watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
