I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
