Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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