i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
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