I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
