one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
