I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
