I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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