I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
the liver wants what the liver wants
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
