I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Randomize
