so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
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Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
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