i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
