so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
