I need to stop coming to work sober
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
