I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Just high enough for therapy.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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