My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
