she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
