Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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