I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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