i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
