I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
