and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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