Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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