Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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