There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
