For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
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I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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