I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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