Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
