so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
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