Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
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When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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