A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I want a musical about memes.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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