Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
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