I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
I love having hate sex.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
