I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
