remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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