We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
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