im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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