I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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